Devil on My Shoulder

Ever since I was about 16 there was been something that burdens my mind and spirit. In the beginning, and for a long time, it was various aspects of my appearance. Over the years most parts of my body have come under fire, some more than others. In the end, there are only two body parts whose appearance I can say I like: my eyes and my wrists. Ironically, my eyes are functionally defective, but at least they look nice. My wrists are tiny and for some reason I like that. I just wish my ankles were tiny too. I am not “over” all that nonsense, but it has become dulled, taking backstage to other burdens that have waxed and then maybe waned over the years.

I have learned to not dwell on things and get sucked into the dark side of my mind. Of course, at some times I am more successful at it than others, but in general I try to stay above it all. When I was in my appearance-centric days I used to spend way too much time in front of the mirror picking my appearance apart. I also used to look at fashion magazines and compare myself to the women pictured in them. Over the years, I realized it was healthier to stay away from mirrors and fashion mags. I use a mirror for necessity and that is it. I really would like to get a full length one so I could see what my outfits look like sometimes, but have thought that perhaps this is not a good idea – too much temptation to pick myself apart. But, maybe I should give myself credit. Maybe I have grown over the years. After all, I am able to watch America’s Next Top model without getting too upset about the way I look – now that’s progress!

During grad school, some of burden was shifted off the way I look to the way my mind works. I belabored the fact that I was not a genius, that I had to struggle through reading journal articles that seemingly had more equations than words, and that I could never think clearly enough about the subject that I was studying. This mindset generalized into feeling like I had nothing interesting to say about anything. Eventually I came to terms with it all. I still don’t think I have much of interest to say, but I am okay with it. I have learned how my mind works….it has a fair amount of RAM but little ROM. I am reasonably good at critical thinking and problem solving but suck at remembering anything long term . I would not be smarter than a 5th grader.

My newest burden was fueled by news of the American Airlines flight 331 crash in Jamaica yesterday. I told K something like “well, I don’t want to go to Jamaica now…I don’t want to get run into the ocean on a big jet.” He said that he would just fly us there himself, but I have issues with that too. I know he wants to fly us to the Bahamas or Jamaica someday, but I have spent many a night laying awake in bed pondering bad scenarios, things like…”the engine goes out and we have to crash-land in the ocean. The plane starts to sink and then sharks come.” I came up with a fine remedy for shark attacks, “we’ll just bring a gun” I said. But, noooo, that would apparently not work very well for us going through customs. So, I am afraid of flying to tropical getaways, even though I want to go. I am afraid of making the decision that will prematurely end my life. After all, many deaths are the result of decisions…someone happened to decide to do something at the wrong time, like the woman here who recently got killed when she hit a deer in the road. If she had decided to leave a few minutes earlier or later she likely would have been fine.

This fear and realization of the tenuousness of life is new within the last few years. Often I wonder if marriage triggered it. K once told me that I ended his life; he has made me very conscious of mine. His statement was actually a positive one that just didn’t come out quite right. I tease him about it, just like he teases me about the time I told him he needed better equipment – I meant gear for the snow, but he saw a great opportunity to twist my words. Anyway, before I was married, I could not easily play the “where will I be in 5 or 10 years” game. Life was unpredictable then. Now there is more stability. I can, in a sense, see the future better. I know that one of us will see the other die, and this is a scary thought. Also, marriage (and baby L) has made me very happy. For the first time in my life I have felt truly content. I feel like I have so much to live for now, which makes me more fearful that the grim reaper will take it away. So, nearly every day I wrestle with my mind to shut up the devil on my shoulder, as I have done with other issues in the past. If I am hesitant to get in that car, I do it anyway. If I am afraid when I feel flulike that I might have a heart attack, I try to think “what a silly thought.” I will get on that plane anyway, even though I will be plagued with thoughts that “this may be the one decision that ends it.” I try to live in the moment, more than I have ever tried before.